Lt. Gruber asks Rene if he could put up Captain Bertorelli, since the snoring is annoying Gruber to no end - so the Captain ends up right under Rene's nose, wooing Edith to get his hands on the Cafe. As Michelle arrives to explain the entire complicated plan involving the camera and the plans for the invasion of England, she reports that they have no film for the camera - to get the film, Yvette agrees to pose for the Colonel while Mimi sneaks the Colonel's film out of his camera. Various groups, including General Von Klinkerhoffen himself, come up with various plans to attempt to rescue Herr Flick from the dungeon of Von Klinkerhoffen's chateau, although the General's plan involves Herr Flick being shot shortly after being rescued. Von Smallhausen's plan (as told by Helga) involves Rene masquerading as Heinrich Himmler, and unfortunately ends up with Rene dressed as Frau Von Kinkenrotten chained up in the dungeon.
Additional Actors:
James Gow as the German Guard (outside the prison)
Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (inside the prison)
Quote of the show:
"What?!? Kiss me? Chained to the wall and dressed in the underwear of a woman? ... Of course." - Herr Flick, in response to Helga's amorous request.
Rene (still dressed as Frau Von Kinkenrotten) is finally rescued by Gruber (disguised as a Gestapo member) as Herr Flick continues investigating Von Strohm's supposed plot to assassinate Hitler. Crabtree drops by to deliver a cake containing a powerful battery for the radio, so he can collect his bicycle and people don't have to pedal to get the radio going any more. Alphonse continues wooing Edith and Michelle delivers the spy camera, now concealed in a potato, and loaded with the film stolen by the waitresses. It is now up to Rene to sneak the potato into the chateau and photograph the safe, so Leclerc can figure out how to crack the safe. While Rene attempts to find the safe, he finds himself in the room of Lt. Gruber, who is taking a bath(!) and invites him to stay for a while. As the Lieutenant nearly roasts the potato, the RAF begin a bombing run and Gruber takes cover in a wardrobe. Luckily, in a classic bit of slapstick, Rene ends up photographing the safe and getting out of the chateau.
Meanwhile, Flick is ticked when when Helga stands him up for a Laurel & Hardy film, but she has a good excuse - General Von Klinkerhoffen ordered her on a date. Still, Flick is pissed and arrests Helga for interrogation, which results in Von Klinkerhoffen being upset that Flick has interfered in his off-hour entertainment. In his fit of pique, he decides to commandeer Yvette, who is in the midst of a photography session with the Colonel.
Note: Over the closing credits of this episode, the shot is of the town square at night, being bombed by the RAF, which ties in with the show ending with the air raid! Wonderful attention to detail!
Additional Actors:
Paul Cooper as the voice of "London Calling" (though I don't think the voice appeared in this ep!)
Martin Sadler as the voice of "Gibson" (also didn't appear!)
Patrick Edwards as the Soldier in Cafe (who announces Von Klinkerhoffen)
David Lloyd as the Soldier in Chateau (who directs them to the kitchens)
Quote of the show:
"There is no reason to cease your jollification just because a senior Gestapo officer in a particularly foul mood is entering your premises." - Herr Flick, announcing to the Cafe that he is pissed.
We open the show during the air raid which ended last episode - Rene is running back to the Cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, and Bertorelli are all hiding under their desks. Herr Flick continues interrogating Helga about the plot to blow up Hitler to no avail; released, Helga reports on Flick to Gruber and Von Strohm. Von Klinkerhoffen takes a liking to Helga and has Von Strohm arrange a dinner, complete with live music. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the musicians to discover whether Von Klinkerhoffen is truly blowing up Hitler.
Meanwhile, Madame Edith delivers the film to Monsieur Alphonse for development, where he tells her about Rene's infidelity. She confronts Rene with the accusation but believes his bald denial. Leclerc examines the picture and prepares for the operation as Michelle devises a plan for Rene and Leclerc to break into Gruber's room during a smoke bomb diversion disguised as firemen and blow the safe. But Edith and Yvette pick the wrong chimney down which to throw the smoke bomb, instead hitting Von Klinkerhoffen's chimney. This leaves Gruber still in his room as Rene breaks in dressed as a fireman...
Additional Actors:
Patrick Edwards as the German Guard (who announces the musicians)
Quote of the show:
"I am sorry that I am lit, but I had to wick curfully down the stroot because I have five fit of fuse wound round my log, and detonators dingling down my troosers." - Officer Crabtree announcing he has brought the explosives for the safe.
We pick up the action as the previous episode closed, with the smoke bomb in the chateau and Rene as the fireman. The following flurry of activity (including the blowing of the safe, Herr Flick stealing a fire engine dressed as a gypsy, and Madame Edith and Yvette scarpering) reveals that the safe did not contain the plans for the British invasion -- but the originals of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp and the Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh! Gruber had hidden them there on Von Klinkerhoffen's orders, giving everyone else a bunch of forgeries.
Rene and Leclerc recover them and escape from the chateau disguised as German officers, only to find themselves kidnapped by the Communist Resistance. Since the Resistance has declared they will kill Rene the collaborator (and his pianist), Rene tells them he is "Captain Von Schmittelhoffen," and Leclerc claims to be "Herman Von Beckstein." The Communist Resistance strap them to a saw in a sawmill, and their attempts to escape nearly result in Rene being sawed in half, lengthwise. As the girls in the cafe light candles for him, Michelle tells them he is held by the Communists, and Edith's attempt to steal Gruber's tank to rescue Rene results in her destroying the public convenience (Edith is now two for two, since she also destroyed it in 4.6). Meanwhile, Herr Flick decides the explosive was probably part of Gruber's plan to blow up Hitler, so he assigns Helga to cozy up to Gruber to find out more.
The girls light candles for Rene. Mimi "remembers him very well."
Quote of the show:
"Out of my way! I can spray this only once!" - Michelle, disguised as a fireman, asking Gruber to move so she can use the fire extinguisher.
Denise discovers the man she is torturing is none other than her longlost childhood sweetheart, Rene Artois, and vows to never let him go (and since she is now the ruthless leader of the Communist Resistance, that vow has some ominous overtones). She plans to commandeer a church, steal a dress and tuxedo, and marry him Saturday - so she lets him go back to the Cafe to prepare. Edith apologizes for destroying the lavatory, but explains she was off to rescue Rene. The airmen come downstairs, sick and tired of waiting for the French Resistance to get them home - so they decide to surrender and get into a "proper prisoner of war camp," but their surrender attempts fail in a number of spectacular ways. Rene finds it hard to tell Edith that he has been forced to marry Denise, and with Yvette complicating matters thinking it is she who he will marry, the misunderstandings result in a lot of "dicky tickers"!
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as a Communist girl (who chats up Leclerc)
Quote of the show:
"How dare you try to bluff a senior Gestapo officer with a pair of tens? I have won."
"Am I allowed to see your hand, Herr Flick?"
"No. You have lost. I get your Gestapo pen & pencil set." - Flick and Von Smallhausen playing poker
Edith concocts a plan to secretly marry Rene with Michelle's help, but in the meantime she prepares for herself and Rene a re-enactment of their honeymoon night, one last time before he is doomed to marry Denise (or so he thinks). Yvette shows Mimi the "ropes" of working the street, and Von Strohm sends Gruber to find the paintings (which Rene has left in the rafters of the sawmill). Meanwhile, Edith's plan to get Rene out of the wedding backfires when it collides with the girls' independent plan to save him from his fate, substituting Crabtree for the priest!
Rene walks to the altar with... who?
Quote of the show:
"Once Rene is married to me, she can never wed him... because, despite being a ruthless murdering bombing blackmailer, she is a good Catholic." - Madame Edith explaining why her plan to save Rene from marrying Denise will work.
Edith is upset since her scheme to secretly remarry Rene has failed, but Rene is more than upset -- Denise has escaped from the mine shaft in which Michelle had trapped her! When a Communist hit squad appears and hits the Cafe, the staff use opportunity to claim Rene is dead, so he can go into hiding from Denise disguised as his own father. Yes, this means Rene is now in disguise as the father of his own twin brother, having been shot dead twice. So far.
But since Rene is the only one who knows where the paintings are, Von Strohm assigns Helga to follow him and protect him and write down his last words if he dies (so she disguises herself as a woman of the streets, complete with a meachanical poodle, and Gruber as her pimp). Likewise, Herr Flick assigns Von Smallhausen to photograph anyone Rene comes in contact with "especially if they are assassinating him." Unfortunately, Denise and Co. capture him out from under everyone's nose and Denise comes to realize that the fiasco was not Rene's fault - it was the fault of the women of the cafe! She announces her intention to kill Edith, Yvette, and Mimi as she leaves town to campaign for head of the Comunist party.
Additional Actors:
John Rutland as the clock repairman
Christopher Gray as a German Soldier (who tries to pick up Helga)
Phoebe Scholfield as a Communist girl
Richard Bonehill as a German Guard (who announces Rene)
Quote of the show:
"Can you not see I am my father?" - Rene, attempting to talk his way out of being re-kidnapped.
Rene, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises (including disguising herself as her mother, and as Leclerc). Von Smallhausen has snapped a photo of a hand in the Communist truck and is assigned to discover whose hand it is. Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops.
Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and Rene is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans, and send them by duck. Long distance duck, to be precise.
Additional Actors:
Patrick Edwards as a German Guard (who announces Von Klinkerhoffen)
John Readman as an Italian Soldier
Quote of the show:
"What key does she sing in?"
"I have never been able to determine." - Mimi asking Leclerc what key Edith uses.
Edith is still in hiding, now wearing a bucket on her head to deflect any bullets. But Michelle arrives to report that it is time for the German Generals' Conference at the chateau. Rene is to photograph the plans, using what is perhaps the funniest device used in the show: a false "caterer" front with a fake hand and a camera hidden beneath a flip-up apron. Edith is assigned to provide the distraction, and given some foam-at-the-mouth pills in a bottle labelled "Curiously Strong Peppermints". Unfortunately, Leclerc has let the Long Distance Duck loose, so he and Alphonse go duck-hunting to recapture it (so it can take the film to England), but Bertorelli shoots it first.
Gruber, planning the arrangements for the conference, finds he doesn't have enough sleeping space, so he needs to rent a room at the Cafe. Flick has Helga try on the wedding dress he has gotten for her (all leather, of course). The voice of "London Calling" informs Rene that one of the Generals at the conference is a French collaborator and must be eliminated, but Mimi jumps the gun and paralyzes the French General in the Cafe. Crabtree takes his place at the Conference, which Flick and Von Smallhausen attempt to observe (though they end up watching a servant girl taking a bath instead). The Generals at the Conference find the bottle of "mints" and all take one, which results in them all soon foaming at the mouth. As they panic and run to the Hospital ("We must have been poisoned!"), Rene stands on a chair and flips his apron to snap the map.
The list of Generals who attend the conference:
General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen (the host)
General Leopold Von Flockenstuffen
General Wilhelm Von Walkenstiffen
Air Chief Marshal Maximilian Von Winkelmeister
Admiral Ulrich Von Sinkenquicken
General Jean Louis Marcel Esnovor (impersonated by Crabtree)
Additional Actors:
Tim Brown as the Tailor (who brings Helga's dress)
Ken Morley as General Von Flockenstuffen
Paul Cooper as the voice of London Calling
Quote of the show:
"Oh my God! I have lost my little knob!" - Rene, having trouble with his camera mechanism.
Leclerc and Alphonse bring the duck (shot by Bertorelli) to the Cafe, to find it appears to only be stunned, not dead. Von Strohm and Gruber study a map of the Communist's sawmill and plan to storm it (or rather, have Bertorelli and his men storm it) to recover the paintings. Michelle angrily reports that Rene's photo is useless since he photographed a blank map, but Rene has reached the end of his rope and decides to quit the resistance. To keep him in, Michelle reveals her hidden love for him and he relents. As the gang troops upstairs to contact London, they end up with the radio active while Gruber arrives to arrest Rene to be shot for the attempted poisoning. But Flick suspects the big-nosed French General of the poisoning, and heads off to find him.
Rene is offered many possible disguises with which to avoid the firing squad - Alphonse donates an undertaker's clothes and Crabtree offers a "poloceman's outfart", but he ends up disguised as the paralyzed French general. Unfortunately Leclerc uses plastic explosive for the fake nose. Helga fetches Flick to capture the French General he suspects, but Rene's nose is accidentally ignited (in a scene that tops the famous "I Love Lucy" nose-on-fire scene), and he tosses it out into the street, just as Herr Flick arrives to take the full brunt of the blast.
Additional Actors:
Dick Harris as the Stormtrooper (who searches for Rene)
Richard Bonehill as the German Guard
Paul Cooper as the voice of London Calling
Quote of the show:
"I have an idea running 'round my head."
"Well, trip it up and let's hear it!" - Fairfax and Carstairs working out a plan to escape.
Having blown up Herr Flick with his nose, Rene tries to leave town, but Gruber shows up to report that he has convinced Von Klinkerhoffen that the French General was the culprit who blew up Herr Flick - so he has commuted Rene's death sentence. Flick is recovering in traction, while the French General (who is still paralyzed) is propped up outside the Cafe to be caught by the Germans. Leclerc takes Fanny out on a date in honor of the 50th anniversary of their meeting.
Von Klinkerhoffen intends to continue the Generals' Conference, but with a double feint - he will disguise a group of peasants as German generals and disguise the generals as peasants in the Cafe, so the Resistance will blow up the peasants instead. In toasting the forthcoming invasion of England, they manage to smash a Louis XIV crystal set Von Strohm had stolen and planned to send to his wife. Michelle arrives and reveals to Yvette that she feigned her love for Rene to get him to stay with the Resistance - and an urgent message arrives over the radio to say that another group of shot down airmen will arrive in the Cafe, disguised as onionsellers. Naturally, the German generals decide to come as onionsellers, too - everyone speaking English and talking about getting back to England is not surprising to either group of faux peasants. But the air raid starts and the escape plan comes to fruition -- and guess which group of onionsellers gets shipped back secretly to England and which get sent to take shelter in the German-HQ chateau?
Additional Actors:
Ken Morley as General Von Flockenstuffen
Fred Bryant as General Von Walkenstiffen (?)
Patrick Edwards as the German Guard (who announces Von Klinkerhoffen)
Quote of the show:
"Rene - I do not wish to weary you, but I recognize some of those purple!
They are German Ginerals! They are pissing themselves off as posants!" - Officer Crabtree noting the plan has been cocked up
Rene opens the show by trying to brick himself up in the wall to hide because the Germans will blame him for the mixup with the generals. Everyone else feels the same way and tries to join Rene in the brick-up, but Michelle shows up to reward him with a medal (for helping to capture the generals), and a suicide pill (to prevent him from talking). Luckily (or unluckily), the fish lorry hit a mine crater and the German generals end up back in Berlin. Von Klinkerhoffen decides to blame the fiasco on Von Strohm and will send the Colonel and Gruber off to the Russian front - but the two officers decide to hide in the Vatican, buying their way to safety in Rome by recovering and selling the paintings. They therefore force Rene to attempt to recover the paintings from the headquarters of the Communist Resistance, and Michelle shows up to tell Rene that the paintings he recovers must be sold for the Resistance funds! She, at least, has a plan to recover them, involving Rene masquerading as a Franciscan vicar wheeling a pram, with Mimi posing as a baby in the pram!
Unfortunately, Flick has come up with the same plan - with him posing as the baby in the pram and Helga as a nurse. Gruber and the Italian army take the direct approach, charging upon the HQ, and getting captured by the Communists. Meanwhile, Rene finds the paintings, and is himself found by Denise Laroque who vows to never let him go again...
Additional Actors:
Jacqueline Ashman as Michelle's Assistant (who announces the fish lorry has disgorged its generals)
Trevor T. Smith as the German guard (who stops the prams at the gate)
John Readman as the Italian soldier (who talks back to the Captain)
Quote of the show:
"I am not taking this pill - Edith, help me!"
"I will get you a glass of water." - Rene trying not to take the suicide pill.
The Communist Resistance still has Rene and Mimi, as well as Von Strohm, Gruber, Leclerc, and the Italian army. Rene convinces the Communists that they could hold the Germans for ransom, and they let Rene and Leclerc go to act as go-betweens. Michelle suggests bombing the entire sawmill to wipe out the Germans, Italians, and Communists in one blow, but once that plan has been set in motion, they can't stop it in time to save Mimi (still in the sawmill disguised as a baby).
Unfortunately, Von Klinkerhoffen refuses to pay the 1,000,000 franc ransom, so Michelle suggests raising the ransom by robbing the vault in the local bank - after all, they have the services of the "greatest safecracker in all France." Naturally, the plan is trickier than they thought, when they get trapped inside the locked safe and need to burn some of the money to light the fuse on the explosive to get themselves out.
Additional Actors:
Jackie D. Broad as the Large Communist Woman (who wants to make out with Captain Bertorelli)
Eddie Caswell as the Fruit Seller (in the market square)
Owen Brenman as the voice of "London Calling"
Quote of the show:
"Your end has fallen off." - Edith telling Alphonse that his stethoscope has lost its tip.
Rene has a new scheme to cure the deleterious effect Madame Edith's singing has on his cafe - he has a gramaphone with a recording of Toscanini and Jeanette MacDonald doing "Love Is Where You Find It" - and has Edith sing along, very very softly. Meanwhile, Michelle arrives and says that the proceeds of the bank robbery from the previous night should be split amongst them instead of going for the ransom. Which is just as well, since Mimi has apparently escaped on her own. Meanwhile, though, we find that the money robbed from the bank was Herr Flick's - and he thinks Von Klinkerhoffen was behind the theft! In panic at the thought of being caught with hot Gestapo money, Rene ends up with the francs shoved down his trousers.
The German officers also manage to escape on their own, so now Rene has a million francs and nothing to do with it. Gruber thinks it would be safer in his trouser's than in Rene's, so he trades the paintings in his trousers for the francs in Rene's. Meanwhile, the two leaders of the Communist Resistance are on the run, and both decide independently to take cover in Cafe Rene. Rene agrees to hide Denise, and Edith takes on Louise as Rene's musical scheme gets its first tryout, only to have Leclerc mix up the records and make Edith sing Ol' Man River.
Louise desires Rene so much, she hides out with him.
Quote of the show:
"I have bad nose. When you ribbed the bonk, there was a wetness. He has drawn poctures of the sispocts." - Officer Crabtree reporting a complication with the robbery
Rene is feeding the Long Distance Duck when he finds that it has given birth to a bunch of baby ducks. When Michelle delivers the microfilm, she orders Rene to launch the duck regardless of any offspring. Flick is ordered by his uncle, Heinrich Himmler, to recover the Gestapo money that was robbed from the bank, despite the fact that they were forged francs, because "it is the principle of the thing." In a hilarious exchange with Von Smallhausen, Flick works out that someone will soon spend some of the money and they can then track it down, so they go undercover as fishmongers to watch for forged money. The money is removed from Gruber's trousers to find there is just under a million francs (Michelle had taken some earlier to spend at the hairdresser's). Von Strohm splits it with Gruber, Helga, and Bertorelli. The communist girls are still in hiding in the cafe and still deeply in love with Rene, and Monsieur Alphonse is arrested by the Gestapo for passing the forged bank notes he got while at the hairdresser's. His new hairstyle with essence of hedgehog does nothing to help, making it look like his hair is standing on end. Meanwhile, the long-distance duck is prepared for launch, and it ambles on its way.
Additional Actors:
Christopher Gray as a German Guard (who tries to cut in on the money action)
Owen Brenman as the voice of Kingfisher ("London Calling")
Quote of the show:
"I have ze winkles, I have ze winkles, alive, alive-o."
"I have ze crabs - I have ze crabs! Alive, alive-o!" - Flick and Von Smallhausen attempting to sell fish.
Having launched the Long-Distance Duck, Edith is now in charge of feeding the hatchlings, while all the other females in the cafe pledge their undying love to Rene. Yvette has purchased disguises for the hiding Communists, but Denise rejects the ragged serving girl outfits, insisting that Edith should die, and Rene should have waitress outfits purchased. Monsieur Alphonse, having been kidnapped by the Gestapo for passing forged notes, is under interrogation. Von Strohm and Gruber fear that he may reveal the whereabouts and schemes of the paintings, so they devise a plan to kill him by having Rene feed him a pastry with a suicide pill (which Fanny nearly eats). Meanwhile, Helga reveals to Alphonse where she is hiding her share of the loot and how she has a hacksaw blade hidden on her person to help him escape - but the sight gives Alphonse a heart attack, and Flick sends him to the hospital to recover (and hence continue the interrogation).
This leads to a number of complicated schemes - Michelle plans to have an Alphonse dummy and wheel in a gurney upon which to sneak Alphonse back out. Helga comes up with a plan to assassinate Alphonse to keep him from talking, which involves an exploding bedpan with a microphone inside and Von Strohm and Gruber masquerading as nurses. Michelle's plan ends up with Rene faking food poisoning and the whole cafe gang in disguise as a hospital team. And, of course, they can't get Alphonse unhooked from the cardiogram beeper machine...
Helga reveals herself to Alphonse.
Additional Actors:
Lucinda Smith as a Nurse (who asks why Gruber is talking to a bedpan)
Stephen Reynolds as the German Surgeon (who almost operates on Rene)
Owen Brenman as the "French" radio voice ("London Calling")
Julie-Christian Young as the Cockney girl voice (wrong number in London)
Quote of the show:
"I am completely at your mercy. But I must tell you, it will take more than a velvet glove to break down my resolution... I think..." - Alphonse, under interrogation by Helga
Having escaped from the Hospital, Rene is left making his way back to the cafe in a hospital gown, which opens up the back. Flick decides to send Von Smallhausen undercover into the mortuary to find the money, since he figures Alphonse was the one who had the money. Helga finds out that the stolen million francs are all forgeries which results in everyone stuffing the money down Bertorelli's trousers for him to return it to Rene, but Von Strohm plans to double-cross the Captain by reporting him to the Gestapo before he can return the money. Von Strohm calls Flick to report the money is in the trousers of a man with "feathers in his hat", but Bertorelli makes it in and out of the Cafe before Flick arrives, leaving the forged money in the oven of the Cafe.
Meanwhile, Michelle devises a new escape plan for the airmen - having them hide inside giant land mines which have been emptied of explosive, then drop them over England and have the airmen "unscrew their nuts" to leap out in midair and use parachutes to land safely. Needless to say, many people think this plan is unlikely at best, first among them the airmen. Denise and Louise and the other Communist girls vote to leave for another safehouse, though Louise promises Rene she will kill Denise, assume control of the Communists, and return as soon as she can. Also, unfortunately, Leclerc brings the parachutes for the escape plan while disguised as a pillowstuffer -- with feathers in his hat! Naturally, guess which man with feathers gets arrested by Flick...
This episode had so many wonderful lines it was hard to pick just one as the quote of the show. "I want to take you upstairs, pull down my trousers, and give you one million francs." "They will unscrew their nuts."
Quote of the show:
"The colonel placed under him an exploding bedpan."
"What a terrible way to go." - Gruber explaining to Rene why the 'Alphonse problem' from last episode is gone.
Edith begs Rene to marry her again, but he convinces her Denise is still a looming threat. Flick interrogates Leclerc, who professes his innocence. Flick doesn't really believe him, despite the fact that Leclerc has no money down his trousers, so he announces Leclerc will be executed by firing squad unless the money is returned. Von Strohm hears about the theft of the two land mines (the Mark Sixes) and gets nervous, and Helga reports that Leclerc has been arrested. Michelle and the airmen practice the escape plan, timing the unscrewing of the nuts from inside the land mines. But Fanny tries cooking, and ends up burning both the potato with the spy camera and the money which was in the oven, so they cannot return it. They contact British intelligence to get replacement forgeries made, but the scheduled airdrop is overdue and Leclerc is against the wall...
Over the closing credits, we have shots of the whole town turning out to collect the money falling from the sky.
Additional Actors:
Jacqueline Ashman as Michelle's Assistant (helping with the spanner practice)
John Readman as the Italian soldier (who asks to take cover)
Quote of the show:
"Berlin, however, is interested in the contents of your trousers." - Flick asking Leclerc to drop 'em.
Michelle arrives to report that the explosive the Resistance removed from the land mines has been in storage in a pudding factory. But since the pudding factory will soon be commandeered by the Germans, the Resistance plan to move the explosive, all 1000 kilos, to the cafe - disguised as 500 Christmas Puddings. These puddings begin arriving at the cafe in various ways, from a delivery in coffins on Alphonse's hearse, to Crabtree's cape, to Resistance girls pretending to be pregnant. And of course, Leclerc's disguise is as a Christmas Pudding seller. The airmen continue practicing their escape and are now able to unscrew their nuts in only 12 seconds.
Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to report that Hitler has now heard of the theft of the land mines, so the investigation is stepped up. Herr Flick decides Rene's Cafe is a hotbed of Resistance activity and decides to stake out the larder, observing it from a nearby church bell tower. Naturally, in order to fit in, Flick and Von Smallhausen have to dress up as monks, and Von Smallhausen ends up trapped under a large bell.
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as the Resistance Girl (pretending to be pregnant)
Quote of the show:
"I must put up my nose more mothballs." - Edith having trouble staying conscious, from all the stress.
Yvette nearly lights ont he of the Christmas Puddings, but disaster is averted. While Flick was up in the bell tower, he believes he has seen the land mines in the Builder's Yard next to Rene's Cafe. Helga reports this to Von Strohm, who reports it Von Klinkerhoffen, who arranges to recover the mines. But when the Germans move the mines back to the Land Mine Store at the air base, Flick and Von Smallhausen are inside, hiding in hopes of capturing Resistance members! Michelle concocts a new emergency plan to get the airmen in the mines, by sneaking them into the Land Mine Store inside wine barrels. But they can't get into the mines in time, so they end up giving up, as Flick and Von Smallhausen are shipped out and dropped over England...
Additional Actors:
John Readman as the Italian soldier
Sion Tudor Owen as the German pilot Gunther
Steven Bronowski as the other German pilot
James Charles as the German Corporal (who comes to get the mine)
Chris Andrews as the German Soldier (who gets the mine)
Quote of the show:
"I have a very sore head."
"That is the least of your problems. You have been squashed well below the minimum height required for members of the Gestapo." - Von Smallhausen reporting to Flick after having been squashed by the bell.
Michelle reports that the British have a new plan to get the airmen home (of course): sending a midget two-man sub up the canal at midnight - the airmen will sit astride it wearing diving helmets. This hairbrained scheme pushes Rene over the edge and he arranges to elope with Yvette and the paintings, promising to send her a note telling her which train to take and where to meet him. But as he attempts to arrange his escape, Helga arrives to force him to take the paintings to the chateau, where Von Strohm announces that General Von Klinkerhoffen has told him that Hitler is having an art expert sent to verify the paintings' authenticity and have them taken back up to Berlin. Naturally, the Colonel insists on having the paintings - and gives Rene a 60-second headstart, since Hitler has also ordered that the peasant who was hiding the paintings be shot.
Flick finds out that Hitler could not have given any such orders, though, and gets suspicious - and sure enough, the General is up to sneaky pool. He has contacted the Swedish art expert to sell the paintings, and the expert has given him a fortune in gold bars. But since Von Klinkerhoffen's safe has been blown up, he goes to the police station to store the gold in the safe, and Rene manages to nick it. He leaves notes for both Yvette and Edith, but Leclerc mixes them up; and the Colonel and Gruber (and Helga) try to get the painting off the train as Flick and Von Smallhausen figure on something fishy going on - and the result is that almost everyone ends up on the 11:15 Geneva Express!
Additional Actors:
Michael Percival as Yoop Hoop de Hoop (the Swedish art expert)
Howard Leader as the train ticket seller
Neil West as the train guard
John Leeson as the train's cook
Quote of the show:
"This one is buff, for your bit of stuff." - Leclerc, showing how he'll remember which note goes to Yvette.
Everyone is involved in intrigue after intrigue on the Geneva Express - Von Strohm, Gruber, and Helga are trying to switch the real paintings with the forgeries, Flick and Von Smallhausen are trying to nick the paintings, Rene is trying to elope with Yvette and the gold, Edith and Mimi both also think Rene is eloping with them, and Leclerc even gets onboard to warn Rene that Michelle is going to drop two of the exploding Christmas puddings onto the train! Which she does, blowing up the train. Everyone straggles back to the Cafe (Yvette does it on rollerskates), but Rene is now shocked to remember that he still has the gold, which if Von Klinkerhoffen finds missing will result in many peasants being shot. Crabtree, though, reports that he has gummed up the lock on his safe to prevent Von Klinkerhoffen from getting his gold. Von Klinkerhoffen asks Gruber to use his tank to take the safe, and he also takes a statue out of Von Strohm's office. Unfortunately, the statue is where the Colonel had hidden the real paintings - and now they're inside Von Klinkerhoffen's chateau. Meanwhile, Rene's attempt to use a Christmas Pudding to blow open the safe results in Gruber's little tank blowing up - with Bertorelli inside!
Additional Actors:
John Readman as the Italian soldier
Patrick Edwards as a German soldier (who announces Von Klinkerhoffen)
Quote of the show:
"Some unauthorized person has poured out coffee!" - Von Smallhausen noticing, Goldilocks-style, that someone has been in the galley.
The Germans enlist Rene to help them recover the statue in which they had hidden the cuckoo clock and the paintings, promising not inverstigate the whereabouts of the gold too closely if Rene helps recover the contents of the statue. To do so, they arrange for the Excelsior Quartet, a group of musicians scheduled to play at the chateau, to be detained while Rene and the cafe staff replace them and use the opportunity to retrieve the statue's contents.
Von Smallhausen attempts to move up a grade in the Gestapo, since he is only a provisional member, but when he is tested by Herr Flick, he fails the physical. Herr Flick suspects that something is up at the dinner party at the chateau, so he and Von Smallhausen go undercover as serving maids. Meanwhile, British intelligence reports that the Germans' new coding machine, Enigma, must be stolen. Michelle plans for Mimi to hide in the case of the double bass at the performance, then sneak out and get the Enigma machine. Meanwhile, Yvette and Alphonse hide in the piano to get the paintings and clock from the statue.
As Mimi, trapped inside the case of the bass, grabs the Enigma - and Yvette and Alphonse move the piano near the statue to grab the paintings, Crabtree sings!
Additional Actors:
Ken Morley as General Von Flockenstuffen
Fred Bryant as General Von Walkenstiffen (?) (who tries to pick up von Smallhausen)
Paul Cooper as the voice of "London Calling"
Quote of the show:
"Monsieur! Please keep off the D-flat. The hammer is hitting me in a very valuable position!" - Monsieur Alphonse imploring Rene not to hit a certain key on the piano in which he is hiding.
Written by:
John Chapman & Ian Davidson (not Lloyd & Croft!)
Additional Actors:
Howard Leader as a German Guard
Quote of the show:
"London is sending you a collopsible dongy."
"I already have one of those." - Crabtree reporting to an exhausted Rene that a boat is coming.
Unfortunately, Leclerc has put the wrong box in the barrel - so it is Yvette's underwear making its way to England, while the Enigma machine is still hidden beneath the table.
Written by:
Ronald Wolfe & Ronald Chesney (not Lloyd & Croft!)
Additional Actors:
David Lloyd as a German Soldier
Quote of the show:
"They have scored a direct hot on the pimps."
"The pimps?"
"The pimps! The pimps in the pimping station! No water is being pimped down the poops!" - Crabtree explaining what's gone wrong with the plan.
One odd continuity blip in this episode, though - perhaps due to the different authors of previous episodes - at the end of 5.25, Rene clearly has the Enigma machine, and says he won't tell Michelle about it quite yet. But at the start of 5.26, Michelle says Rene must signal and the Resistance will deliver the Enigma. We never do see how the Enigma machine gets from Rene to Michelle. This odd discrepancy once led me to believe that there was a missing episode here, but I no longer believe so.
Additional Actors:
Philip Fox as a British agent (disguised as a policeman)
James Gow as a British agent (disguised as a policeman)
Robbin John as a German Guard
Quote of the show:
"In each of these cups, I am placing a new German invention known as the teabag. It was invented by Baron von Tetley." - Herr Flick describing how he is going to feed them the truth serum.