Over the many years I've been maintaining this guide, a number of people have begun
using my episode titles as official titles, including many television stations.
Effectively, that means you need to have both sets of titles available to figure
out what episode you are watching. I'm very sorry for the confusion; I only wish
I'd been able to get to the official titles back in 1992 when I started this guide!
- P. Pilot (35 mins long)
-
Introduces: the Colonel, the Captain, Helga, Herr Flick, Rene, Edith,
Yvette, Maria, Fanny, Lt. Gruber (though he is not yet named), Michelle of the resistance, British airmen.
This episode is collected on a commercially available videotape (see the merchandise page for details).
Two escaping British airmen are sent by the French Resistance to hide in Cafe Rene, a small French
dining establishment run by Rene Artois, an innkeeper seemingly able to skirt death and survive
during wartime, mainly by offering the bedroom services of his waitresses to the Germans in
return for supplies otherwise unavailable. Michelle Dubois, a member of the Lifeline of the
French Resistance, sends the two airmen to hide in the Cafe (their new safehouse) - and supplies
Rene with a hidden (but "not very convenient") radio to contact the Resistance if necessary,
and the services of Mr. Leclerc, a forger, to forge papers for the airmen in their escape.
On the other hand, the Germans are busy looting the town of its remaining valuables,
including "the first cuckoo clock ever made" and the painting of the "Fallen Madonna" by Van Clomp.
Meanwhile, Rene attempts to carry on affairs with his waitresses without letting his tone-deaf
wife catch on, deal with his hard-of-hearing mother-in-law, and work on hiding the British
airmen though neither speak the other's language. Walking a fine line between working
with the Germans and working with the Resistance, Rene stays alive as war rages all around.
A marvelous beginning to a fabulous series! This one has the classic "I have no matches"
spy exchange, the fantastic "I can't speak English; I can't speak French" scene, the
hilarious "clock in the pants" bit, and the poignant "Festival of the Onionsellers".
Additional Actors:
Richard Cottan as Claude the Onionseller.
... the driver of the Resistance Lorry looks somewhat like John Inman...
Quote of the show:
"Of course. How quickly I have lost the thread of this tapestry of intrigue." - Rene
Please note: it has been reported that Jeremy Lloyd and
David Croft collaborated on a direct spoof of "Secret Army" prior
to the Pilot of 'Allo 'Allo, which aired on the BBC as either a
"Play For Today" or a "Comedy Playhouse" episode. This was apparently
a precursor to 'Allo 'Allo, but may have been a "pre-pilot" for the show.
Any and all information about this programme is definitely
in demand! Please send any info to me, here at Cafe Rene!
- 1.1 The British Are Coming [ my old made-up title: To Forge Madonna ]
-
The Colonel & the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over
Rene and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But Rene convinces
them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance
of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping
British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged.
Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing Rene poison pills "to make it easier", Herr Flick
decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in Rene's back
room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of
Madame Edith's singing.
Rene: "I want you to make another one"
Leclerc: "Three big boobies?"
Quote of the show:
"Oh, no! Not the pliers and the rubber hose! I will tell you everything I know!" - Rene
- 1.2 Pigeon Post [ my old made-up title: Burnt Uniforms & Pigeons ]
-
The resistance decides to use a carrier pigeon to let London know about the missing
uniforms, since the Germans are hiding in the room with the secret radio. They
intend to have London make new German uniforms for the German officers, since the
British airmen have been captured by the Communist Resistance, the other resistance
group. Meanwhile, as the French resistance mount an attack on the Communist
Resistance headquarters, the airmen, fearful of being discovered in the uniforms
and shot as spies, strip and burn the offending garments, making it back in scarecrow clothes.
But when the German officers disguise themselves as onionsellers to be able to
leave the room of Edith's mother, Herr Flick finds them. Explaining quickly
that they are attempting to infiltrate the French peasantry, the Colonel leads
Herr Flick to compliment him on the idea, and starts Flick thinking about how
to join in the scheme. But now that the Germans are no longer in Fanny's room,
Rene can use the radio to order the new uniforms and they put the pigeon plan
on hold, hiding the pigeons in the kitchen. But when Edith is asked to cook
up something special and Herr Flick and Helga join them all in the cafe disguised
as onionsellers, they end up noticing a certain something on their dinner's leg...
Also in this episode, Monsieur Leclerc discovers that Madame Edith's mother
is his long-lost childhood love, Fanny; Herr Flick shows Helga his private
quarters, allows her to kiss him, and displays the latest Berlin fashion in
undergarments; and Maria is disguised as a young schoolboy to fetch the pigeons.
Additional Actors:
Denise Kelly as Maquis Leader (of the Communist Resistance)
Phoebe Scholfield as Michelle's Assistant (during the raid)
Quote of the show:
"Colonel, we are Germans! To have our uniforms made in London must be against the rules!" - Hans
- 1.3 Saville Row To The Rescue [ my old made-up title: Bols Gin & Onion Sellers ]
-
The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers
while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London.
Michelle delivers a bottle of nitroglycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin
to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German
railway. But thinking it's gin, Edith begins spreading the nitro around - to
her mother and the hens in the back. Although they attempt to get their spare
uniforms, the Colonel and the Captain find that they have been sent to Paris
for cleaning and are not available. Which makes them desperate, as they have
found out that General Von Klinkerhoffen, the famously hard-nosed German
General, is coming to visit the next morning.
The German officers insist on joining Rene and company when they go out on
their expedition that night - the Resistance is heading out to blow up the
railway with the gin, but first they intend to rendezvous with a plane from
England, which is reportedly bringing the new German uniforms, and will
take back the painting (to be forged) and the two airmen (effecting their
escape). Luckily, the Germans being along is a help when they need to get
past an unexpected sentry; unluckily, the plane that arrives is carrying
not the uniforms, but a tailor to do a fitting - and is only a
two-seater, so it can't take the airmen back with it...
Rene handles his Bols with care!
Additional Actors:
John Bluthal as the Tailor (from London)
Kim Wall as the German Sentry
Phoebe Scholfield as Michelle's Assistant
Graham Seed as the Pilot
Quote of the show:
"In these clothes we are equal!"
"On the contrary! My onions are bigger than your onions, and I have two rows." - Hans and the Colonel arguing about seniority.
- 1.4 The Execution [ my old made-up title: The Death of Rene ]
-
Introduces: General Von Klinkerhoffen.
Also: first-ever use of "It is I, Leclerc!"
In the wake of the failed attempt to get the airmen out by plane, the
Resistance decide to blow up one of the German railways. To do this,
they intend to use the remaining nitroglycerine; but Hans mistakes it
for gin (gee, I wonder why?) and nearly drinks it - but in his panic
of discovery he accidentally blows up the railway himself! The noise
draws the Germans, who capture Rene, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised
Colonel and Captain. As Helga, Leclerc, and Edith each attempt to
help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and
demands that the Colonel and the Captain (now freshly attired in
their spare uniforms) have the only known saboteur shot.
This means - Rene's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber
in charge of the squad!
Additional Actors:
Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard
Phoebe Scholfield as Michelle's Assistant
Quote of the show:
"Of course, Madame, I can help you. I have been in many French nicks!" - Monsieur Leclerc.
- 1.5 The Funeral [ my old made-up title: Rene's Funeral ]
-
Introduces: Monsieur Alphonse
Having cheated death, Rene is now masquerading as his own twin
brother as Edith has moved the airmen into the now-empty henhouse
out back of the cafe. Herr Flick visits the Colonel and the
Captain and chews them out for not having taken down the names of
the peasants at the execution - therefore, they will have to attend
the funeral and get names there. Meanwhile,
M'sieur Alphonse the Undertaker, comes to measure Rene's body for the
coffin (and charge tons of money for the coffin, nameplate, handles, etc),
and Herr Flick attends the funeral. But the Resistance leave some land
mines with the Cafe staff, and they hide them in an unfortunate place,
which leads to a meeting between Herr Flick and a pile of flying dirt...
Additional Actors:
Michael Stainton as the German Sergeant
(uncredited, but we spy Harold Bennett (Young Mr. Grace of AYBS) in the funeral party)
Quote of the show:
"Excuse me - may I say something? They shot him. You cannot have 'Sadly Missed'" - Yvette rejecting a proposed inscription for Rene's tombstone.
- 1.6 Reds Nick Colonel [ my old made-up title: Kidnapped! ]
-
It is Colonel Von Strohm's birthday, and Rene is hosting a party for him.
The airmen have moved indoors and are hiding under the kitchen table, with
their heads under serving covers. But as they are celebrating, the Colonel
and the Captain are kidnapped by the Communist Resistance in retaliation
for having killed Rene. While searching for the now-missing officers, Herr
Flick begins interrogating the peasants in the cafe - and Rene and Michelle
remove the radio and codebook in case the Gestapo search the cafe.
As the DeGaulle Resistance (Michelle's group) prepare to rescue the officers,
and as the Communist Resistance bring in Rene to shoot his "brother's" murderers,
the parachute drop of the German uniforms and the real & forged paintings
is made, confusing the Communists. Michelle effects the rescue by disguising
the cafe crew as German soldiers, scaring away the Communists and allowing
everyone to get out of the remote barn, with Hans pocketing the paintings as
they make their way back to the village. Meanwhile, Helga has to use the
crank to get Herr Flick's Staff Car running again, just in time for the Gestapo
to take possession of the forged painting. Or *is* it the forged one? Ooops!
Additional Actors:
Susan Kyd as the leader of the Communist Resistance
Pia Henderson as Resistance Girl
Quote of the show:
"What is happening? We were aroused by the banging." - Maria & Yvette.
- 1.7 The Dance of the Hitler Youth [ my old made-up title: Hitler Youth ]
-
The first use of: "You stupid woman..."
As Rene and Maria attempt a tryst by the Brie, Michelle arrives to announce that
Monsieur Leclerc will arrive momentarily disguised as a cheeseseller, with their
new replacement radio. Then, as Rene and Yvette attempt a tryst in the back room,
Edith interrupts. But enough about attempted trysts - it is now up to Rene & Co
to swap the forgery for the real painting before Herr Flick sends the painting to
Hitler on the train. Leclerc arrives and delivers a large suitcase full of cheeses,
and tells Rene that the radio is inside as well, and already connected - which
leads to a hilarious exchange with the activated radio inserting odd phrases and
sounds at inopportune moments in Rene's conversation with Lt. Gruber.
While the Germans celebrate the anniversary of the burning down of the Reichstag
(by having girls dress as Hitler Youth and dance Traditional Old Bavarian Dances),
and Herr Flick crashes the party, Rene & Edith don German disguises and attempt
to effect the swap in Herr Flick's office. But Helga is shocked to find that
Flick has himself ordered a forgery - and since Rene and Edith fail in their
mission, Flick now has two forgeries and an original. But which is which?
Meanwhile, the plan to get the airmen out of France this time is to disguise
them as Hitler Youth out for "exercise" on the beach, and then get them in a boat.
Luckily, Rene and Edith are still in German Officer uniforms and they can bluff
their way through the guards. Unluckily, nobody told the Airmen that they were
going to have to row across the Channel, and neither thinks they can do it.
So the plan is cancelled as the crew fakes some "exercises" before returning to the cafe.
Dancing as Hitler Youth
Additional Actors:
Ian Rattray as the German Major
Philip Kendall as the "London Calling" voice
Peter Waddington, Gordon Dulieu, David Beckett,
and Ray Float as the German Sentries
Quote of the show:
"Philip and John are going for a swim. Heloise is expecting a visit from the stork." - the inopportune radio.
- 2.1 Six Big Boobies [ my old made-up title: Riddle of the Six Boobies ]
-
First use of Helga's "Bring him in here!"
As the episode opens, Rene informs us that the airmen have been removed to
hide in a nunnery. But we know that situation can't last long, right?
And since Rene has been "shot dead", Edith is on a hunt for his will - once
she finds it, she goes on a shopping spree for a new hat, since he left
everything to her. She also decides to take Fanny and Leclerc out for a
fancy dinner, to show off her new status as a rich available widow - and
the waitresses push Rene to marry *them*.
Now Colonel Von Strohm is on the warpath, looking for the airmen. He is
delighted to find they are no longer at the cafe, but he attempts to
blackmail Rene into revealing the names of the resistance, or failing
that, to spy upon them. Rene turns the tables on him with a letter
detailing the... rather sticky fingers... the Colonel has, which he says
will be given to Herr Flick if anything happens to him.
Meanwhile, now owning *three* copies of the painting of the Fallen Madonna
With the Big Boobies by Van Clomp, Herr Flick enlists the help of Lieutenant
Gruber in determining which is genuine.
Finally, the airmen, disguised as nuns, end up at the cafe again. Michelle
resorts to holding a gun on Rene to force him to hide them again and he
reluctantly accedes to her demands. But while he is out retrieving his
wandering wife and mother-in-law, the girls hide the airmen in the last
place anyone would look - in the piano! This episode contains the
absolutely classic "plinky plinky plonk plonk" version of Lilli Marlene.
Additional Actors:
James Gow as the German Soldier
Quote of the show:
"He fell out of a Gestapo car, over a bridge, onto a railway line, and was run over by the Berlin Express. It was an accident." - Herr Flick informing us that the forger he employed is no longer available.
- 2.2 The Wooing of Widow Artois [ my old made-up title: Sausages Under Wraps ]
-
First appearance of the "flashing knobs"
Rene realizes he must woo Edith again in order to reacquire his cafe - and
he finds it hard to believe anyone else would want to marry her, considering
all the trouble the cafe gets into. For instance, Michelle has just shown
up to prepare the airmen for the latest escape plan. They are still disguised
as nuns, but are now hiding in the attic above Fanny's room. The current plan
involves a plane landing tonight in a field - and to get the airmen to the field,
Michelle disguises them as a cow (though it's a rather goofy-looking cow).
Herr Flick has decided in the meantime to conceal the paintings inside knockwurst
sausages, and flashes them to Helga. His plan involves a sausage with the
original painting hung in Rene's kitchen while the forgery-filled sausage
will go to Colonel Von Strohm to be sent to Hitler. But Helga clues in the
Colonel and the Captain, and they end up with an ingenious plan to substitute
various sausages, and soon end up playing "pass the sausage" -- literally.
Additional Actors:
Rusty Goffe as Pierre Legrand (a Suitor for Madame Edith's hand)
Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant)
James Gow as "London Calling" voice
Quote of the show:
"Nobody would dare to touch a Gestapo sausage." - Herr Flick explaining why the painting is safe simply hanging in Rene's kitchen.
- 2.3 The Poloceman Cometh [ my old made-up title: Cows & Crabtree ]
- Introduces: Officer Crabtree
First time Flick answers the phone with "Flick the Gestapo!"
This episode is collected on a commercially available videotape (see the merchandise page for details).
We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as
the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while
awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane
does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new
escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British
Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in.
Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not...
Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to
Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train. But Helga
works out a plan involving Lt. Gruber's armored car and its mounted 20 mm gun,
and Rene and Hans end up out trying to shoot the train. Plus in this episode:
Hitler's speeches at double speed!
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant)
Gordon Dulieu as a German Soldier
David Beckett as a German Sergeant
Quote of the show:
"I have disgeezed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom." - Officer Crabtree explaining his "disgeeze"
- 2.4 Swiftly and With Style [ my old made-up title: Hitler's Sausage ]
-
This episode is collected on a commercially available videotape (see the merchandise page for details).
Once again we pick up mere moments after the previous episode ended, with
Rene and Hans returning to the cafe in Gruber's stolen armored car.
Crabtree, though, has notified Gruber that his car has been stolen, and
Gruber has called in Herr Flick who is hot on the trail of the stolen vehicle.
As Edith and the girls ride bicycles to the rescue, the armored car is
captured by Michelle and the Resistance. But as Flick arrives and the
Resistance escape, Helga dreams up a wonderful explanation for why Rene
and Hans are out in the borrowed car, and Herr Flick blows up his own Gestapo Staff Car.
As they disguise themselves in preparation for an escape to neutral
Switzerland, the Colonel and the Captain are greeted by the news that
the "troon has been bummed by the RAF", according to Crabtree. Meanwhile,
Monsieur Alphonse shows up to court the Widow Artois, leading Rene to cry
his eyes out to convince Edith to marry him again. Michelle arrives to
enlist Rene to mend the silk balloon (which was inside the escape package
delivered with Crabtree last episode) to help the British airmen to escape.
This means acquiring a lot of silk very quickly -- and the only convenient
source seems to be the knickers of the town.
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant)
Peggyann Clifford as a French Lady (from whom Leclerc tries to steal knickers)
Quote of the show:
"In spite of my years I am still fit enough to bang -- thank you -- a coffin together." - Monsieur Alphonse wooing Madame Edith
- 2.5 The Duel [ my old made-up title: The Duel ]
-
Introduces: Herr Von Smallhausen (though he is just named "Gestapo Man" in the credits)
At the end of last episode, M'sieur Alphonse challenged Rene to a duel
for the right to Edith's hand. Rene tries plan after plan to get out of
it, from avoiding the seconds to wearing armor at the duel. Colonel
Von Strohm devises a plan to have the Germans practicing maneuvers the
morning of the duel, and "accidentally" blow up the undertaker. But
Hitler has discovered that the blown-up sausage did not contain a painting,
and Herr Flick has been sent to arrest the officers responsible. Meanwhile,
the balloon is completed and taken to a barn. Also: the British airmen
are disguised as French policemen by Crabtree! ("It's nose to spike your tongue!")
Preparation for the duel.
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant)
Quote of the show:
"Are we a loon? I wish to tick with you." - Officer Crabtree
- 2.6 Herr Flick's Revenge [ my old made-up title: Gestapo Torture ]
-
After having run away from the Duel, Rene meets up with the Resistance
(who are holding a secret meeting in a haystack) and they provide him
with a disguise as one of their number, while the Resistance explain
to Monsieur Alphonse how important Rene is to their cause. The airmen
are now disguised as French girls, and Helga comes to Rene to report
that Herr Flick has the Colonel and the Captain in the dungeon and
will torture the truth out of them -- if they can remember how it goes.
Rene is captured by Von Smallhausen and joins the officers in their
imprisonment. When the gang are tortured in the Gestapo prison, the
girls break in to leave the suicide pills and Gruber calls in General
Erich Von Klinkerhoffen in hopes he can override the Gestapo.
Meanwhile, the Knickers Balloon dreamed up in 2.4 takes off full of
airmen, with the assistance of Monsieur Alphonse, who now believes
Rene is "the bravest man in all France."
Additional Actors:
Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant)
Gary Merry as a German Soldier
Philip Kendall as the "London Calling" voice
Quote of the show:
"Look! No hands!" - Herr Flick playing the Diabolical Organ during the torture.
- 3.1 The Nicked Knockwurst [ my old made-up title: The Ransom of the Sausage ]
-
The Communist Resistance kidnaps Herr Flick's Gestapo sausage and demands
a ransom. Herr Flick is having Helga outfitted for a new suit when the
news arrives, and he assigns tha task of recovering the sausage to the
Colonel and the Captain. Eventually, it naturally falls to Rene to
deliver the ransom: 800,000 francs borrowed from M'sieur Alphonse.
The Germans agree to lie in wait (and do so in the great "tree"
disguises, complete with the owl camera!) during the transfer and
capture the Resistance to recover the money, but things go awry.
The Gestapo crew is also present for the transfer - disguised as
Resistance girls. With the Colonel and the Captain as trees, the
cafe crew disguised as German soldiers, the German soldiers disguised
as French policemen, and Gruber out walking his dogs, how can we be
surprised at the ensuing chaos?
Meanwhile,
Michelle falls from a rusty drainpipe and hatches the "antique airplane"
plan for getting the British airmen (who started hiding in Rene's
outhouse and ended up disguised as old biddies in Fanny's bed) home.
Additional Actors:
Paul Cooper as the German Tailor
Lisa Anselmi as the leader of the Communist Resistance party
Ian Hanham as the German soldier leading the "policeman brigade"
Gabrielle Dellal as a Communist girl
Quote of the show:
"Pay careful attention, this is the plan. The brackets have cracked and are coming away from the wall." - Michelle having a little trouble while trying to explain her plan.
- 3.2 Gruber Does Some Mincing (or Gruber Carpeted) [ my old made-up title: Counterfeiting & Lawnmowers ]
-
Gruber's runaway Alsatian dog has ended up with the sausage with
the painting, and returned it to Gruber. Herr Flick captures
Gruber and interrogates him, discovering that Gruber found the
painting in the sausage and removed it, noting it was a forgery.
Now Flick knows that the painting in his now-minced sausage was
a forgery, so he is on the lookout for the original again. Rene
then talks Gruber into making yet another copy of the painting,
and ends up getting Gruber cut in on the deal. So Rene straps
the sausage with the original painting around Maria's bosom and
sends her off to the chateau to deliver it to Gruber.
Rene also needs to repay the anxious Monsieur Alphonse, so he
gets Monsieur Leclerc to reveal where he has been hiding the
counterfeit francs he has been making and gives Alphonse the
forged money, who in celebration begins a spending spree.
Meanwhile, Michelle steals the motor from General Von Klinkerhoffen's
lawnmower to power the airplane for the airmen's escape, and hides it in Fanny's wheelchair.
Additional Actors:
Sherry Louise Plant as Yvette, Michelle's Resistance assistant
Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice
Quote of the show:
"'Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law -- are you reading me?"
"No, the print is too small. Please send a bigger book." - Fanny answering the voice of London Calling.
- 3.3 The Sausage In the Wardrobe [ my old made-up title: Secret Passages ]
-
Maria, having been detained by Von Klinkerhoffen with the
Fallen Madonna Sausage strapped to her bosom, is imprisoned in the
chateau and the General relieves her of the sausage. As Von Klinkerhoffen
lets it be known that the return of his lawnmower's motor will result in the release
of the girl, lots of people attempt to replace the "real" sausage with a
forgery, from Herr Flick (using Helga to distract the General) to the
Resistance to Gruber and Hans... luckily, the chateau is riddled with secret passages.
This episode includes the great bits where Hans is whacking his head
against the table (to get the bit of cheese dislodged from his ear),
where Herr Flick is limping in a suit of armor, and Officer Crabtree
claiming Fanny has been "pissing" forged bank notes. This is possibly my favorite episode of all...
Additional Actors:
Christopher Wild as the German Room Service guy
Tim Barker as a German soldier (who gets knocked out by Hans)
Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice
Philip McInnerny as the voice of Wing Commander Hargreaves
Quote of the show:
"Hans, you have been to Staff College... how do you get a sausage out of a wardrobe in a General's dressing room?"
"Hmmm... I think I must have been away that day." - Colonel Von Strohm looking for advice from his assistant
- 3.4 Flight of Fancy (40 mins long) [ my old made-up title: The Antique Parade ]
-
Michelle arrives to tell Rene that the antique airplane is unfortunately
in the back of the museum, so to get it out they will hold a parade of
antiques while the gang from the Cafe sneaks in and recovers the plane.
Herr Flick assigns the Colonel and the Captain to "mingle" with the
peasants during the parade to find out what they are up to. Rene,
meanwhile, is hiding the real sausage (that he managed to
recover from the chateau) under Fanny's bed - but she takes a bite
before anyone can stop her, biting off the corner of the painting with
Van Clomp's signature. Gruber assures Rene he can "invisibly mend" it,
and make a forgery just the same. Outside, Yvette takes to streetwalking
on her day off in hopes of raising enough money for she and Rene to escape to Paris.
As Michelle arrives at the Cafe to collect the lawnmower motor (hidden
in Fanny's chair) for the plane, Rene is assigned to gather 200 feet
of elastic by collecting the braces (suspenders) from every man in
the village. The following morning, as the parade starts off, our
heroes are disguised as a road gang to wait for everyone else to pass.
Herr Flick, on his way to observe the parade with his powerful binoculars,
punctures a tire and has Helga pump the tire back to full inflation.
The Colonel and the Captain have commandeered an antique steamroller
to join the parade - but Hans wants to drive, and manages to steamroll
Herr Flick's Gestapo staff car. Finally, the launch of the antique
airplane is attempted, but the antique car pulling the elastic slams
backwards into the plane when the chocks get stuck, and everyone escapes back to the Cafe.
Additional Actors:
Sherry Louise Plant as Yvette, Michelle's Resistance assistant
Trevor T. Smith as the Orderly (who is looking for a bathroom in the Cafe)
Len Keyes as an Old Man (who offers Yvette a light)
Robert Aldous as a French peasant (who gives up his braces)
Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice
Philip McInnerny as the voice of Wing Commander Andy Hargreaves
Quote of the show:
"Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?" - Herr Flick asking the obvious question
- 3.5 Pretty Maids All In A Row (35 mins) [ my old made-up title: The Sting ]
-
Rene, having beaten the rest of the gang back to the cafe, hides the
painting on the back on some worthless picture of flowers given to
Fanny years ago by a poor little painter named Van Gogh. Von Klinkerhoffen,
having found his lawnmower motor smashed in the museum, has started
searching the town for airmen. Maria hides the airmen by disguising
them as waitresses in the bar, but Rene's ultimate plan is to get the
airmen into the prisoners-of-war camp. The problem is that without
their uniforms, the airmen will be shot as spies if found openly.
Rene and Co. must therefore smuggle the airmen into the camp, and they
decide to pull a sting - with the airmen disguised as prostitutes,
they plan for them to be shot publically in the bar and transport
them in coffins to the mortuary, conveniently across the street
from the prisoner of war camp, where they will tunnel them through into the camp.
Also, Herr Flick has installed an eavesdropping station, where they
listen to the resistance radio to find that the airmen are in town
and disguised as French maids - so they plan to infiltrate the cafe
as French maids themselves. Von Klinkerhoffen, nobody's fool,
assigns Von Strohm and Geering to watch Cafe Rene closely to see
if they are helping British airmen to escape.
Additional Actors:
Ian Hanham as a German Sergeant
Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice
Quote of the show:
"I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats. You are holding a smoking goon - you are clearly the guilty potty." - Officer Crabtree accusing Hans of murder.
- 3.6 The Great Un-Escape [ my old made-up title: The Graveyard Shift ]
-
While Rene continues attempting to carry on two simultaneous affairs,
Michelle informs him that the tunnel digging from the mortuary has
hit a hard bit and the airmen (still disguised as prostitutes) need
help. When Rene asks why the undertakers can't help, Michelle says
they're busy digging graves in which to put all the dirt from the
tunnel dig. Upstairs, Fanny bemoans the loss of her painting and
lets slip that the artist's name was Vincent, and it dawns on Rene
that the silly painting of the flowers was a genuine Van Gogh.
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen intercept the latest "London Calling"
transmission about Little Boy Blue and Old Mother Hubbard and
amazingly decode it into something to do with the graveyard (after all,
Mother Hubbard was looking for a bone, was she not?) - so
they disguise themselves as priests, and with Helga as a nun they infiltrate the church.
Hans has fallen out of the Colonel's graces due to the shooting the
previous night, but feels grateful to Rene for the bribe he paid to
Crabtree to keep the incident quiet. When Gruber and the other two
German officers get together, they start making plans for forgeries
again - this time needing two forgeries of the Fallen Madonna and
two of the Van Gogh. But when Hans and Von Strohm see Rene go into
the mortuary, they end up following Rene and the Cafe staff through
the tunnel into the POW camp, unfortunately collapsing the tunnel as
they go. So now everyone's trapped inside the POW camp as General
Von Klinkerhoffen comes by for an inspection, and they all end up disguised as British POWs!
Additional Actors:
Martin Sadler as a British POW Wing Commander
Tim Brown as British POW Squadron Leader Simpson
Caroline Dennis as a repentant French girl (who asks "Father" Flick for guidance)
Nick Burnell as the German POW Camp Commandant
Paul Cooper as the voice of "London Calling"
Quote of the show:
"The tunnel has come out in England!" - Hans noting his surroundings as they emerge from the tunnel
- 4.1 Hans Goes Over the Top [ my old made-up title: Stalag Luft 4 ]
-
Having been trapped in the POW camp, Rene is enlisted in the plan to
re-dig the tunnel, by getting rid of the dirt. Hans and the Colonel
are playing cricket, though not very well, and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen
are digging their own tunnel into the camp. Monsieur Alphonse arrives
at the Cafe to report to Fanny the news that Rene has been captured,
but Rene and Company join in on the British prisoners' plan to escape -
though only one person can escape in this way. The plan involved a
plank laid across a barrel, and Rene leaping on one end (from the
top of a shed) to fling the person on the other end out and over the
fence. Naturally, the Colonel volunteers Hans for the escape, and after
numerous attempts actually manages to get over, and is spirited away into the woods by the Resistance.
Meanwhile, Helga reports the situation to Gruber, and together they
decide on a plan to rescue the Colonel, the Captain, and Rene, involving
Gruber dressing as a nun. Officer Crabtree, though, reports to
Alphonse and Leclerc with his own plan, involving everyone escaping in
"droon poops". Meanwhile, though, the gang inside join a variety show
for the purposes of covering a rather chancy plan of escape. But do
they all make it out? The cliffhanger leaves us mid-dance...
The gang in disguise as British officers.
Additional Actors:
Martin Sadler as a British POW Wing Commander
Tim Brown as British POW Squadron Leader Simpson
Nick Burnell as the German POW Camp Commandant
Paul Cooper as British POW Wagstaff (who comes up with unlikely escape plans)
Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (distracted by Helga)
Owen Brenman as the German Guard (who inspects Gruber in his rubbishman disguise)
Quote of the show:
"I will dingle a keerot in front of the dinkey. That is butter. We shall be there very sheetly!" - Officer Crabtree trying to speed things up.
- 4.2 Camp Dance [ my old made-up title: A Farewell to Hans ]
-
"A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman?" The quote from
Victor Victoria is quite descriptive of the situation of Yvette, Michelle,
and Edith, as they are all dressed "in drag" as part of the chorus line of
girls. It's a successful show which distracts the Germans long enough for the
gang to slip into the garbage truck driven by Lt. Gruber. But the airmen
follow everyone else and end up back outside the camp as well! Meanwhile,
Flick and Von Smallhausen manage to find the end of the tunnel inside the
POW camp, which leads them to begin listening to the wireless again, in an
attempt to jam London's transmissions.
The cafe gang regroups after their escape only to find that Maria did not
make it out with them - and her escape plan of disguising herself as a Red Cross
parcel and mailing herself home backfires, with her being returned to Switzerland
for lack of postage. Michelle shows up to report that they have received word
that Hitler is preparing to invade England, and that the Resistance will have
to put all their efforts into sabotaging this invasion, with none left over to
help the airmen escape; for now they will have to stay put in the cafe. When
Rene and company head upstairs to answer the radio, Herr Flick jams the signal
and inserts his own, attempting to fool Rene into giving out the names and
addresses of the Resistance. But Rene discovers the ruse and panics, tossing the
radio in an attempt to keep Herr Flick from finding out it is him. When they
attempt to contact London on the radio inside Gruber's tank, they find that Hans
has been spirited away to England by the Communist Resistance (who
mistook him for an RAF officer, of course).
Additional Actors:
Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (who won't let Herr Flick out)
Nick Burnell as the German POW Camp Commandant
Martin Sadler as a British POW Wing Commander
Tim Brown as British POW Squadron Leader Simpson
Peter Bradshaw as the voice of "London Calling"
Quote of the show:
"What am I going to tell the General?"
"Umm... tell him the food is very good, and the British think they are going to win. Over and out!" - Colonel Von Strohm getting Hans' final words.
- 4.3 Good Staff Are Hard To Find [ my old made-up title: Freshmen ]
-
Introduces Captain Bertorelli and Mimi LaBonq
Rene, Edith, and Yvette interview applicants for the waitress position vacated by
the missing Maria (and end up with the psychotically vicious Resistance girl Mimi),
as Michelle arrives to inform them that a new radio is being delivered by an agent
disguised as a mountaineer. And in German HQ, Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to announce
that it's good that Hans has "volunteered for the Russian front" (as Von Strohm claims),
since Mussolini has convinced Hitler that a token Italian force should be present in
France -- so the General puts the force under Von Strohm's command and places their
captain, Alberto Bertorelli, as Von Strohm's second.
As Rene thwarts scheme after scheme by Mimi to assassinate Herr Flick (and any other
Axis forces in the vicinity), Gruber needs dark red lipstick to complete the forgeries,
and Leclerc shows up as the mountaineer - but unfortunately he has got the radio
already connected in his pack, leading to a series of problems with inopportune bursts
of noise and sound from the radio (in a virtual replay of the situation in episode 1.7).
Additional Actors:
Aimee Delamain as Madame Sablon (an elderly applicant for the waitress position)
Estelle Matthews as Mademoiselle Valerie Vendome (an acrobatic applicant for the waitress position)
Patrick Edwards as the German Guard (who calls for Bertorelli)
Quote of the show:
"Captain Bertorelli! Officers in the German army do not kiss the lady Privates." - General Von Klinkerhoffen upbraiding Colonel Von Strohm's new assistant.
- 4.4 The Flying Nun [ my old made-up title: Getting it Up ]
-
The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate
Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten (a secretary to
replace Helga, who Flick has kidnapped - though she escape disguised as Flick himself)
and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where
Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way.
Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, and receives bouquets from fortune-hunting
Capt. Bertorelli, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming
signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which
they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the
General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans. Of course, Michelle has to nearly
have a nervous breakdown in the Cafe before Rene agrees to this crazy plan. And
unfortunately, Monsieur Alphonse catches Yvette and Rene having at it, so he considers Edith "back in play".
Additional Actors:
Bill Malin as a German soldier
Quote of the show:
"Would he regard a flying nun as a lucky omen?"
"I should think he'd be off tomorrow. Why do you ask?" - The Colonel, asking the General if what he just saw would qualify as the "sign" Hitler needs to start the invasion of England.
- 4.5 The Sausages In the Trousers [ my old made-up title: The Sausage Surplus ]
-
Lt. Gruber completes the forgeries of both the Van Clomp and Van Gogh, and
conceals the originals and forgeries inside sausages. Unfortunately, the
resistance liked the sausage-hiding technique displayed last season and have
delivered sausages containing dynamite, and sausages containing submarine
batteries. And, of course, it's sausage delivery day. Meanwhile, Herr Flick has
been arrested while disguised as a woman, and sent to the dungeons.
- 4.6 The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law [ my old made-up title: Vineyard of the Germans ]
-
Michelle holds a gun on Rene to stop his latest attempt to escape to Spain and
tells him that London has sent a spy camera with which to take photos of the
Invasion plans - but the camera landed in a vineyard which was only just
commandeered by the Germans. Meanwhile, the Germans are cross with Rene for
the mixup with the sausages down everyone's trousers (and in Helga's bosom),
but Rene comes up with a plausible story which deflects blame and makes it seem
that he was actually helping the Colonel out. As the Germans stuff the sausages
down Rene's trousers for him to return to the Cafe and conceal once again,
Edith makes a bold plan to rescue him, disguising herself as a German officer
and taking a grenade to threaten the Germans with -- which unfortunately results
in the blowing up of the town's convenience (the sort of open urinal in the town
square).
The peasants are refusing to work the now-occupied vineyard (fearful of being
shot by the Communist Resistance, for one thing), so Von Klinkerhoffen comes
to the Cafe to recruit forced labor from the peasants.
As the Resistance make plans to kill Von Klinkerhoffen with poison wine, and
with a bomb hidden in Fanny's wheelchair, Leclerc finds the fallen spy camera.
Meanwhile, Flick is in prison as "Frau Von Kinkenrotten" for having spied on
the Colonel.
Rene and Yvette find a quiet moment in the vineyard.
Additional Actors:
Howard Leader as a German sergeant (who arrests Rene)
Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (who is guarding the prison)
James Gow as a German soldier (who announces Von Klinkerhoffen)
Quote of the show:
"And how do you account for this dynamite in my bosom?" - Helga, complaining about the weapons hidden in her blouse.
Due to the size of this episode guide, it has been broken into three (roughly equal-sized) files. The file you are viewing has series 1-4 in it. To see the other files, click on the desired series below: